So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
