Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
