Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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