You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
