that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
