Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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