Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
