My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
