Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Blood and glitter go together right?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
