I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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