This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
