Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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