Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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