Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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