Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
