i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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