saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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