dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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