Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
