I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
