i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
time to smoke my breakfast
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
