barbara walters just said penis...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
