May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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