you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
