does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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