Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize