im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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