Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
