He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
