My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
