i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
