There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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