I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize