Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
