so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
