Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
