I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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