girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize