I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
