dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
