i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
