there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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