I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
