i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
