if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
