i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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