btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
