Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Text me some of your sweat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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