Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
