I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
