I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
