my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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