I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
