apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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