Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
