we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just invented taco cereal.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
