How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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