I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
