...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
