I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
