Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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