My liver just broke up with me...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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